Something peculiar happened yesterday. I was doing my usual rounds of cat feeding at noon. There seemed to be just me and the cats on campus. I saw the name plate of Matsubara-san showing "in school" downstairs and "eating" on the door. I was there from 11am to 3pm and didn't see any sign of him coming so I changed his name plate to away just for the heck of it.
At 6pm I was on my way to school once again doing the night rounds. I was riding my bicycle full speed uphill just before the school gate. In the corner of my eye I saw him, carrying 2 luggage walking towards the station. He didn't bother to look up so he didn't see me. I supposed that he was going back to Gifu to see his family, probably the first time in a long time. When I have reached the ground floor of my building, I realize something was different. He flipped his name plate back to "in school" and in addition the name plates of the Indonesian student and the joint researcher from the company. Perhaps he had no idea that the Indonesian student had already gone back to Indonesia last week to attend to some business and the joint researcher does not work during Golden Week. At the student room door, the status was once again changed to "eating" once again.
I don't understand this weird obession that he has to be thought of as "in school" all the time. Perhaps it was that he didn't want me to know where he is at all times. I simply don't really care where he is but I needed to know whether the lab facilities are secured or not during the holidays. I didn't locked the door because he booked the equpments for an overnight run. Only the next day that I realized that he didn't do any of the experiments and left the lab unattended and unlocked. Today as I checked the lab, he locked the door, and left the vent on going at full blast for no reason. I was even a little bit upset this morning when I saw my chair had been pulled over to his desk. It only meant that he used my chair as a foot stool. His action continues to puzzle me even after so many months.
I feel tired of being caught in the tangles of these people's lives. Wouldn't my life have been easier if everybody just left me alone, completely? My problems are enough for me to deal with. Why am I always involved in the other people problems? Sometimes it feels like the whole world around me is collapsing when people don't take responsibility of their own doings. People junior or senoir than me try to rely on me for their mental sanity. I think I might be beginning to withdraw. I have so much on my plate already and I don't know if I can handle the pressure anymore.
Just a few more months I said to myself, yet everyday feels like a grind. Everywhere I go I deal with people that is different, yet I cannot be as arrogant as to judge them just because they are not me. While I struggle to find my own footing, once again I dove myself into the crusade of fixing people's lives, based on the innate drive that I find illogical and unbearable.
Golden week ends tomorrow and I haven't yet found the rest that I needed, despite having done NOTHING at all..
Is this what it means to be a vessel of blessing?
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