Fear & Weakness

I hate to be weak.

..No, that's just a delicate way of putting it. In fact, I fear to be weak.
I fear to be emotional. I fear to be helpless. I fear to be negative. I fear to panic. I fear to lose control. I fear to fear.

Since why did I start to forget what it feels like to be sick? to be emotional? to have compassion? Since when did I start to feel so disgusted with the things I fear that I completely dissociate myself from anything that remotely resembles what I fear. Since when did I become this arrogant snob? Am I better than them? Must I be better than them? What is better!?

After all, I am still weak, physically and mentally. Self-assurance only sends me into the daze of deception. I have control over nothing at all. All I can do is close my eyes, cover my ears and pretend those horrible things didn't happen around me. Maybe if we don't speak of them, they will cease to exist..

"Will you please take my hand and pull me up?"