Second Thought

The hyper is now officially over. Looks like it was another impulsive decision that tossed myself in and over my head. I believe that God did give me this opportunity at the time and that chance has come and gone.

Without the money to last a full year, without the determination to complete the academic requirements, without the experience to live by myself, how can I say it is fitting for me to go to Japan? The idea was no more than my overly-anticipated escape from my mundane and meaningless life. If I had persisted to review my academics and language everyday since the time of initial commitment, I would have felt more confident knowledge-wise. If I had stayed devoted to God, I would've been more in tune to his will. My wish wagon is wandering aimlessly in the desert. I have failed God and I feel ashamed.

To really think about it, why would God intend for me to go to Japan? There are things with utmost urgency within my reach. Like the great commission, is there anything more urgent than spreading the gospel of salvation? I may be able to reduce greenhouse gases and conserve the environment if I did succeed in solar energy research, but what good does that do for the kingdom of God? How many souls would I have saved with solar energy?

The pastor once told us that not everybody should become a full time missionary, but become a missionary wherever we are. Otherwise the society will crumple, we all have our functions in this world aside from the responsibility of sharing the gospel.

So...I think my only way to fulfill my dream is to stay close to Him and hope that I will be able to take up both the great commission and solar energy in Japan.