Selfishness & Isolation

I am caught in between the values of Christianity and the unwillingness to love. With that comes the disgust of my inability and the self-condemnation to isolation. The conflicting standard of my actions is taking its toll on my faith.

When it comes to self-sacrifice, I often volunteer without thinking. Today we had a shortage of projectors between the fellowships. After realizing there was no way to get access to another one. I went on my own accord to storm back to my house 20 minutes away to retrieve my father's projector. Even though I knew I would miss the first 40 minutes of the sharing, but I kept telling myself it was for the good of everybody. I felt happy that I was able to do something for the sake of everybody.

The projector was not there, my father had taken it with him to his fellowship tonight. I grabbed the alternative, an S-video to component cable that would enable notebook output to an older TV. Then I dropped by where my dad was on the way back, hoping that he had finished with the projector. When I saw the illumination on the screen, and a chapel full of people, I knew it was unlikely that he could spare the projector. I drove back to fellowship with one thing on my mind -- I've failed the people who relied on me. My impulsive action gave them false hope and wasted my time. No, I think I was really disappointed that I had made a fool out of myself, hurrying back home only to miss the sharing and return almost empty-handed.

While driving on the dimly-lit Marine Dr, I recalled something that happened just not too long ago at one particular spot. I was on my way back home from fellowship going down the slope. It was just after the ridiculous snow storm that disabled most parts of Vancouver. A red old sedan had its tire stuck on the snow pile and a girl was standing by the back of the car pacing back and forth. I made a U-turn and asked the girls if they needed a hand. They were overjoyed that I was willing to help. First I dug the snow from under the tire with my bare hands, then started to swing my body back and forth while holding the bumper. The car started to swing back and forth. I had my whole body fully stretched standing almost horizontally between my footing and the bumper. The last shove sent the car back onto the plowed road before my face hit the ground. With my back turned to them I waved my hand, bid them good night and drove away. I didn't care if they didn't see my face. All I cared was I helped them when they needed someone.

Last summer, as I was heading back home from the softball field. I saw a lady in her 50s trying to hitchhike at a bus stop. At first I didn't want to stop for her because she was looking rather abnormal. A voice scolded inside me and I yielded to it. I turned back and pulled over at the bus stop. She got in the car and told me where she wanted to go. She was extremely rude for someone hitchhiking and apparently from the stench of alcohol I could tell she had a few to drink. Unexpectedly she told me to pull into a Safeway on Kingsway. I didn't know why she wanted to stop there so I told her if she wanted I could wait for her in the parking lot for a bit. She blurted, "Just wait a few minutes!Will ya?!" Somehow I had decide to take this abuse all the way, so I waited in a very visible spot in the parking lot. She saw me as she got out and walked right past me. I gave chase and pulled up beside her. I rolled down the window and asked her if she still needed that ride. I believe she said sorry to me and walked off. I was filled with mixed feeling afterwards. Why did I have to take abuse from someone like that? Why did I even persist?

Do these random acts of kindness really help anybody? Or is it just to fulfill my own ego and to create the illusion that I am a good person?

Shame hits when I started to feel frustrated when the people that are helped by my parents interfere with my life. One day I was sitting in my room, feeling angry that I couldn't go to the kitchen to get a cup of tea because my parents were counselling this pair troubled couple. I felt upset when I had to answer their calls and take messages when my parents were out. They give the most incomprehensible and unreasonable requests to someone who's just taking a phone message! I didn't like the fact that my parents have to go through the trouble to help them and I certainly do not want anything to do with them.

These conflicting actions made me realize how incapable I am. I had once thought that I could burn my life away out of love for all the people in this world. Turned out I'm just another self-proclaimed good guy who's no less selfish than the rest of the mob. Perhaps my martyr quality is no more than the chase for reputation and self-satisfaction.