Crushed

I have just returned from the Kyoto/Nara school study trip. The trip led me to numerous discoveries about myself and my current state in Japan. It was too overwhelming not to feel depressed. I was literally crushed.

After meeting the other international students on the trip, I felt I am really inadequate to be a student again. I do not have the financial stability nor the determination like they do. My Japanese is still as horrible as when I first arrived.

I had never felt so hopeless and disappointed in myself in my life. Me and Lee-san took the express train from Shibuya back to our area together. This is probably the first time that I witnessed the true force of the salarymen shoving. They kept on pushing and pushing and pushing until there is no room to breathe. I felt it was wrong for them to do this to women so I started pushing back to make room for the female standing beside me. A few men turned to look at me when I put up my elbows to create space.

By the end of 30 minutes my sweat was dripping like a waterfall. I was embarrassed, extremely. I felt all the eyes were on me, being such an idiot. There was not even room for me to get my arms up to wipe off the sweat. All I could do was to let the sweat drip onto my jacket, fearing it might drip on another person. I was crushed, completely.

That must've been the lowest point in my life, feeling unable to do anything that is so balantly wrong. I had to look at the uncomfortable expression of these women when there are middle age salarymen squished on to them. It's sad really... very sad.