Run, Kittens, Jump

At 12 midnight, I emailed my professor to postpone my discussion presentation once again and asked to speak to her about my PhD pursuit. I couldn't handle so many things all together anymore. I had students to take care of, research to do and things to worry about. Luckily for the 2nd time, she had something else to do so the cancellation of all the discussion was easy.

She had only a few minutes so I ran my thoughts through her quickly. It came out so easily, "I think I want to give up going to PhD. I think maybe it is not for me." She asked what I would like to do. I said that maybe I could find a job in Japan. She said that I might be able to find a good job, being so multilingual and analytical sound. I didn't think too much of it. It just felt GREAT saying it out. I am going to give up! Phew another burden off my chest. "I won't study for the test anymore, from now on, just research and learning Japanese.", I said. Honestly, thinking about the entrance exam is too far and too big for me to handle, I find myself not wanting to get out of bed.

At 4:40pm, the long-awaited reply from my father came. I felt that it was going to be a blow to my head. And it was. The thing that stood out to me was that he mentioned all the things I've rather not look at in my undergrad. Things I've tried to justify so badly so I don't feel ashamed.

In 1999, I transferred out SFU engineering, one of the best engineering programs in North America because I couldn't take the stress. In 2005, after my UBC Physics degree, I gave up going for the education degree because I thought I didn't want another year worth of schooling. I went straight into work as a small clerk in a big company to pay off my student loan. Honestly I was looking to start a family. That chance never came, so I took the opportunity and flew to Japan. It does seem like I have been running away all my life. And I am running away this time from PhD. There's no question about it.

I actually felt like crying after reading the email for the 3rd time. My father has not been so harsh on me since I was 14 years old when I said, "What's wrong with a B?" It was 2 hours of scolding until my face was smeared in tears. At 5:20pm, I became very emotionally disturbed. At 5:30pm, an email came from facebook, notifying that Yurie has made a reply to my comment on one of her photos. I quickly popped on facebook and she was online. I needed someone to talk to and she was available. It was quite a coincidence. (or am I reading into it too much?)

"hey hey!", I said.
She gave me a smiley face.
"You looked well, I am relieved.", referring to our short meeting in church from Sunday.
She said she's been resting at home so it's been great.
"Now it's my turn to write test and do presentations :(", said I.
She wished me good luck on those and asked me how I am feeling.
"It's more than just that, it's my road to PhD...I am more confused than ever"
The flood gate opened and I poured my thoughts and frustration over this issue at her. Yurie tried so hard to formulate her thoughts in English so she can type back to me. I could see the status of her chat window changing from typing to idle, to typing, to idle again until she finally came up with a reply. She tried her best to comfort me.

My older brother had just became a father on January 23rd, 2009, at the age of 28. He got married when he was younger than my age now! I said to Yurie, "I am just a simple guy, I want no more than a loving family" I feel that the measure my family used on me is so much harder than the one on my brother. Why am I always expected to EXCEL and not the others? Yurie told me that she understands how I feel because she gets that expectation from her family too since she's the only child. Through further communication she finally find the balance point on this issue.

Yurie was about to go out so she asked if it would be okay to continue the conversation through cellphones text messages. She seemed to know that I've refrained from sending her cellphone messages since a while ago. I went out of my lab and took a walk. I needed to cool my head. In the still night on this lonely campus, the trees were my audience as I sang my (weird) songs strolling down the road. The kittens have just finished eating and dispersed near the surroundings of the pond. Momo was staring curiously into the rain-flooded pond because he used to like to go down there to take sips of the parasite-loaded water. I called out t0 his name and he followed my steps.

Yurie sent a message to my phone, asking what I would do if I don't go on to PhD. I was at a loss. I answered I could very well find a job or return to Canada. My dad had written in the email that he doesn't believe that I couldn't find a decent job in Canada even if I go back after my master degree, and definitely won't be enough to support a family. I couldn't answer Yurie with confidence. People always think and say, "Ah.. if it's Kenneth, then it'll be okay" Why do they always think that?

I squatted down in the kitten territory. Three of them gathered around and crouched lazily on the dry leaves, enjoying the rather cool night. Kin-chan (formerly known as Dare) approached me so he can rub his head with my hand. I took up a stick and started to play the cat and mouse game with Mikan and Kin. They enjoyed it so much. My legs were getting cramps from squatting too much, so I sat down at the concrete plant holder that has been long deserted. A few students and staffs walked by me, giving weird looks at me and the kittens. I didn't care. I've grown used to their stares a long time ago. I sat there and smiled at these worry-free kittens. The kittens started to play with whatever was available to them. Kin started to jump up in the air hoping to swat a fly. Momo was chasing his imaginary mouse and Mikan started to climb the tree again.

I felt calm. There are a few things I could hold on to in Japan. These cats were one of them. Tonight I held on to Yurie briefly. I had always been very encouraging and positive towards her, always worrying about her weak physical state and her stress as a freshman in university. This was the first time I've exposed my weakness to her and she was trying her best pull me back up. She is still very important to me and she means a great deal to me, much illogically so.

The next message she put a lot of through into because I know whenever she wants to use some expression but couldn't write it in English, she wrote in Japanese instead. She wrote that if I return to Canada just like that, it would be waste. Working in Japan wouldn't be a bad idea. I would still be able to use my talents if I work in Japan because I have diverse background in different work fields. A lot of the Japanese companies need people like me. She once again apologized for her inability to express her thoughts. She tried really hard. It made me smile knowing that I am of some importance in her mind. I replied to her that I felt better now and I will seek God next for the sign I have asked for. The messaging halted there once again.

My father's email knocked me back into the neutral stance. I had never really made peace with my escapes from SFU and UBC. I've always tried to justify them using circumstances, personal preferences and choices. On the other hand, with the mentality of a martyr I have never held back facing a challenge when it's my head at stake, hoping someone would destroy me and therefore making the decision for me. Perhaps that was why I wanted to flip the school upside down to save my lab. Maybe I was hoping the school will make a martyr out of me and force me to resign. Yet God wants me to make a decision, once again the biggest decision in my life thus far.