Hibernation

Facebook was never really that addictive. As least, it wasn't so until Yurie joined, especially after our two brief meetings on Facebook chat, I found myself camping online hoping she would pop on the online friends list.

Last week a close friend told me that there's a problem with her "B" key on the keyboard. I went home, packed up my keyboard and my tiny computer at home, hopped on the densha and sent it to her. The drastic step was to keep myself away from internet at all cost, because I have no self-control, at all. When the lid of my emotions were popped, it's been pouring out like a fountain with no end, with that I lost whatever little control I had on my thoughts and my behaviors.

Without internet at home, I was able to achieve so much at home: reading, studying and playing my guitar. But I left a bit of of a backdoor for myself, I've set my gmail to forward any emails that comes from Yurie to my cellphone. It was good that I no longer was sucked to the computer monitor, but those were the nights where I slept with my phone beside my ear.

When talking to my friends who knew about my situation, I was cheating. I liked to keep saying that "I like Yurie." to my friends. It makes me feel good that I have someone I like, but how am I able to let her go if I don't abandoned these words? On Saturday afternoon, I removed the email forwarding from my gmail. There is to be no more contact other than me helping me with her English through emails only.

I enjoyed the fellowship on Saturday. I know in my heart I hoped that she would show up. She didn't. In my mind, I quickly ran through the possibilities and understood that she had returned to her hometown in Chiba for the "Becoming Adult Day" that will take place on Monday. She had already shown her kimono passed down from her mother, that she will wear on Monday. It was a beautifully hand-woven furisode made by her grandmother.

I went home exhausted to my messy room. I am tired of this torment I've put myself through. I surrendered Yurie to God now, I prayed. I decided that from this day forth, I will not never again speak of me liking Yurie to anybody anymore. This was the only way that these feelings will go into slumber and the only way that I can get through the next 3 or so years until that time will come again.

Also tonight, I've finished reading the book "Boy meets girl" for the 2nd time. I am exhausted.