The Road to PhD: 1/4

Honestly I have been extremely hesitant to move on to the PhD level. I have always been a struggling student throughout university until my very last semester when I was exposed to teaching. In that semester, I averaged an A for the first time in my university academic life. My curriculum studies teacher even offered to recommend me into the education program because of my unique major and my passion for the kids' well-being.

Yet, the more I stayed in Tokyo Institute of Technology the most inadequate I feel about my lack of fundamental knowledge. Although I felt the guidance of God in my school searching, but I feel the resistance in me. I really don't want to go through another 3 years of 12-hours-a-day-in-the-lab and I am eager to move unto the next stage of life. With the deadline of my presentation approaching and tensions raising, I have asked God for 4 signs.

1. The research direction mus be confirmed now.
2. I must receive a reply from a prospective school.
3. I must secure enough scholarship.
4. I must pass the entrance procedure into the prospective school.

If I am not given these signs, I will go pursuit the gift that I believe I have--teaching. I'd be extremely happy to do so too. These days, I feel like Jonah, "trying" to run away from God, but I hope that'll never be the case.

This week I have been doing experiments non-stop for 3 days. Battling with an equipment that has destroyed the confidence of countless students. For the first the machine refused to start, no matter what different methods I tried. Without this machine, my experiment could not be completed. I did not lose faith. The second day, I tried the same setting, the machine didn't even hesitate and the plasma deposition was jump started and went on for the whole duration. I was able to make a prototype cell by 8pm. Although it was already a miracle that I was able to fabricate a prototype cell in a little less than 3 days. I was pushing for more. Even while I was making my cell, my labmate asked me to help him with his experiment, while not knowing that I had a presentation the following day. I didn't refuse, because I am now the only one who knows the in and out of the sputter machine. I spent 4 hours for him on the machine.

Tuesday is the day that the first sign must be fulfilled. My presentation is on the following day at 10am. If I don't have any data from this experiment, then I might as well stop everything. It was already too late in the year to change topic anyway. Engineering-wise, It would take a miracle for my first ever prototype cell to work.

At the back of my head, I was putting my faith in making this cell.　I wanted to obtain a cell that is around 1% efficient to prove that my cell works (spectacularly) then I could go back and investigate how I obtained such good result for a prototype. It was not what God had intended for me. At 9pm, my evaluation started. The evaluation software prompted, "This is not a solar cell, would you like to continue?" For 1 hour I tried all I could to test the cell. I was relieved, the first sign has been turned down. I had made something completely useless, just like the software said, it was not really a solar cell. My research direction has been provoked.

At that time, my lab mate walked in. He had learned that I was doing experiments for him even though I had a presentation the next day. He felt indebted so he came to look at my cell evaluation. I joking told him that the software told me that my device was not really a solar cell. He said, it's a software problem, because it was designed for good cells, not prototype cells. Then he proceeded to go into manual mode and actually squeezed some data out of the cell for me.

I was faced with a dilemma. I had only thought of 2 possibilities. Good data, good presentation and good direcion. Bad data, toss up my hands and I am relieved of my duties at this moment. God had humorously gave me such bad data. It took me an extra 6 hours to analyze it. I was surprised to find that, although the performance is horrible, my device was indeed a solar cell.

The following day, after slept only 2 hours from 630am to 830am. My body was shutting down. I gave the presentation in a very calm and clear manner. I didn't even have the energy to feel nervous anymore. Yet I was very alert. For the first time in 15 months, both of the professors asked questions about my research, gave critique and offered advice for future experiments. Afterwards, one of the from the other lab even took the time to ask me some questions he has regarding the new design. I had never received so much feedback in my student life in Japan. Who knew that such ridiculous data could bring so much benefit?

The first sign has been fulfilled. It was not how I wanted it to be. It was not the glorious 1% I had hoped for, but a measly 0.000543% that not only confirmed my research direction, but also drove me to research further with the feedback from my peers. This is once again, something I did not expect at all.